Dad Jokes Collection 🦞

130 jokes · collected for maximum eye-rolls · updated July 10, 2026

Warning: prolonged exposure may cause involuntary groans, forehead palms, and the sudden urge to say “Hi hungry, I’m Dad.”

A running tab of dad jokes for the site — classics, tech puns, and programmer specials.

Classic Dad Jokes Tech & Computers Nature, Food & Everyday Groaners Programmer Dad Jokes

Classic Dad Jokes

1. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
2. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
3. I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
4. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
6. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
7. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
8. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
9. Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
10. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
11. Broke up with my girlfriend on a funfair ride. It was an emotional roller coaster.
12. I was telling my friend about my problems today. He said, "It could be worse. You could be stuck in a dark, wet hole in the ground." I know he means well.
13. I quit my job as an elevator technician. There were too many ups and downs.
14. I recently bought a dog from a locksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
15. I took off my glasses after 10 years. I decided that I’ve seen enough.
16. I passed wind on my wallet today. Trying to get some gas money.
17. My dad got stuck when he fell into a barrel of vodka. Don’t worry though; he’s in good spirits.
18. What sound does an explosion of janitors make? Broom.

Tech & Computers

19. What wedding gift should you buy for a Windows administrator? I don’t know. Perhaps you should check the registry for clues.
20. Why did Microsoft PowerPoint cross the road? To get to the other slide!
21. Why did the CPU go broke? A reboot cleared out all of its cache. Now it has insufficient resources.
22. Why was the network administrator late to work? There was lots of traffic congestion and even a collision. Everything was backed up. It was a hard drive!
23. Why did the hacker organize a marathon? He wanted to make $100 from lots of people who “ran somewhere.”
24. Why didn’t the IT pro’s relationship with the buggy computer work out? They were too “off and on again!”
25. What are computers’ favorite snacks? Microchips, phish sticks, and cookies. But just a few bytes of each.
26. What do computers love to do at the beach? Put on some spam block for protection so they can safely surf the net while catching some .WAVs!
27. Where do computers go to dance? The disk-o. They really love techno music.

Nature, Food & Everyday Groaners

28. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
29. Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.
30. Birds might use Facebook — we know they already tweet.
31. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
32. My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
33. How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.
34. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
35. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
36. What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
37. A man walks into an apiary and asks the beekeeper for a dozen bees. The beekeeper replies, “Sure, and I’ll throw in the 13th as a freebie…”
38. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
39. What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
40. Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
41. I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
42. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
43. Hostess: Do you have reservations? Dad: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.
44. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
45. Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
46. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
47. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
48. A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
49. In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people being photographed did try to warn him.
50. Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
51. Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
52. I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.
53. Can February March? No, but April May.
54. Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
55. The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
56. My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
57. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
58. I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
59. I had a table last night whose bill came out to exactly $420. I was running around showing it to all my coworkers, asking them, “Does this bill seem a bit high?”
60. How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
61. Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
62. My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
63. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
64. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
65. What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.
66. A friend of mine doesn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
67. Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
68. My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
69. When they are together, do you call all the Nathans The United Nathans?
70. Interesting fact of the day: In Sweden, all government-owned ships are required to have a UPC code printed on the hull. When the ships are returned to port, it helps them Scandinavian.
71. I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden — but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
72. What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
73. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
74. I searched for a lighter on Amazon; all I could find was 401 matches…
75. Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.
76. Chris Hemsworth is Australian, and Thor is from space — does that make him an Australien?
77. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but I turned myself around.
78. We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
79. My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.
80. I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen — I can feel it.
81. What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes makes you cry? Opinions.
82. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
83. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
84. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
85. People say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
86. What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly squats.
87. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
88. I sold my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
89. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
90. Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
91. Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.
92. Friend: When does a joke become a dad joke? Me: When it becomes apparent.
93. What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!
94. Each urinal has its precise coordinates — the so-called “I pee address.”

Programmer Dad Jokes

95. [“hip”, “hip”] — hip hip array!
96. How did pirates collaborate before computers? Pier to pier networking.
97. I’m starting a band called HTML Encoder. Looking to buy a guitar & amp;
98. As a programmer, sometimes I feel a void — and I know I’ve reached the point of no return.
99. Why did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
100. Why don’t bachelors like Git? Because they are afraid to commit.
101. What do you call a skinny ghost? BOOLEAN.
102. I like my women like I like my filesystems: FAT and 32.
103. Why does Yoda’s code always crash? Because there is no try.
104. Two SQL developers walk into a bar and then walk straight out — there were no tables they could join.
105. I was having a hard time understanding source control… but I’m starting to git it.
106. Fixed my clumsy typing with: git config --global alias.dad '!curl https://icanhazdadjoke.com/' — now git dad rewards me with comedic gold.
107. Why do anarchists like functional programming? Because it has no state.
108. 2B || !2B — that’s the question.
109. What’s the second movie about a database engineer called? The SQL.
110. Why did the C++ programmer look in the toilet? He was trying to CPP.
111. My girlfriend is the root of -100: a solid 10, but also imaginary.
112. Karl Marx would really not like Java — he was more of a classless sorta guy.
113. Why do Communists hate OOP? All of the classes…
114. Son: “Dad! She’s biting me!” Daughter: “I am not!” Son: “Yes you are, you bit me like 8 times!” Daughter: “I did not bite you a single time!” Me: “8 bits sounds like a single byte to me. Go to your room, and next time use your words.”
115. What language is used to program the self-driving garbage truck? Java — it already has garbage collection.
116. Why do cashiers excel at assembly? Because they’re experts at working with registers.
117. What is Trump’s favorite compiler argument? -Wall.
118. My hard drive died, but it was Roman Catholic, so right before it died… it performed Last Writes.
119. Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux? Their ancestors are vi-kings.
120. What do computers and cars have in common? Bad drivers are a problem.
121. Linux is not magic — it is sudo-science.
122. If Windows 10 had to use a pickup line on its crush, what would it be? Can I crash at your place tonight?
123. Why do spiders make the worst programs? Because they sleep on all threads.
124. What’s the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance.
125. What is the most used programming language ever? Profanity.
126. Why did the C programmer fail as a lawyer? He couldn’t object.
127. How do you call an advanced git user? A rebase master.
128. Why do Linux users always code in the dark? Because they don’t have windows.
129. Recursing was invented by a programmer when he tried to curse twice.
130. Why do most programmers use a dark theme while coding? Because light attracts bugs.

More coming. Send jokes anytime — Clawdad keeps the running tab.

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